ACTION, ROMANCE, FANTASY

Wayne Robson is a beggar on the island, Santa Isabel. He is recruited by a mysterious convent to be their spy to stop invaders. Robson meets and falls in love with Missy who leave him to join the convent. Robson is made a lord in gratitude for his service to the nuns and province.

FAIR

THIRD PERSON

Authors Writing Style: FAIR

Characterization: FAIR

Commerciality: GOOD

Franchise Potential: FAIR

Pace: GOOD

Premise: GOOD

Structure: FAIR

Theme: FAIR

The short summary and pitch both mention Wayne Robson's prolific children, but they are such a small part of the story at the end of the chapters, that they don't seem important enough to mention in the pitch. The extra children do not affect Wayne and Missy's character or plot. Considering removing the idea from the profile in order to have a more focused piece that reflects the main ideas of the story.

The mystery involving the murderous naked woman fleeing from the convent is a striking visual. It draws interest both to the woman's survival, why she killed the lord, and who the nuns are as well as the extent of their power.

Much of the dialogue is very direct without subtext whereas more realistic dialogue has nuance. By having characters be more subtle or show what they are going to do rather than talk about it, the dialogue could help provide distinct voices to the characters and add to their different dynamics.

THE STORY RELIES HEAVILY ON SPECIAL EFFECTS

The hook is that a naked woman jumps out of the moat in a convent and escapes into the woods only for the townspeople to discover later that a provincial lord had just been murdered there. It intrigues the reader as they wonder about the motive and the groups involved.

This is an original fantasy idea which can be harder to garner a large fan base without a built in literary series audience loyalty. However, the creativity and strong world-building could win over a medium size group of fantasy fans for being fresh.

High fantasy does not have a strong track record in the awards circuit outside of Lord of the Rings. Because there is magic and very little internal conflict the story will likely not be nominated for writing or acting in terms of big awards shows.

LARGE BUDGET

LORD OF THE RINGS, PRINCESS BRIDE, TANGLED, BLACK PANTHER

The order of the selfless nuns and their initiative to save their community through kind acts and physical protection are creative. The nuns are mainly seen by outsiders from afar, so seeing the nuns' insular power structure would add another layer to their characters.

Wayne is selfless and cunning like the nuns.

There is a lot of unique elements in the world building, but the powerful nuns are the centerpiece. Giving the spotlight away to Wayne even though they are the protectors feels like a missed opportunity in leaving the nuns so mysterious.

TV Series - Cable, TV Series - Limited Run / Mini-Series, TV Series - Streaming

WORK IN PROGRESS

While the story has many positive points, it has room for improvement (see possible paths below). If you can't change the story at this point, my suggestion is using your notes as a guide to highlight the best aspects of it when taking the next steps, either putting a pitch page together, a treatment, or a presentation.

Making the dialogue more nuanced will enhance the realism of the world and give the characters more distinction in personality and dynamics. The beginning's focus on the secrets of the nuns and then shift to protecting the land through Wayne seems like two separate concepts. Following Wayne as a normal guy in a complex world is a separate pace compared to the fast paced world of the nuns. The nuns are very compelling so leaving them mysterious when they are the original focus feels incomplete to understanding their motivations and power. The nuns start out as dynamic but become static the more mythic they become.